This is me asking Santa to never gain weight again.
My entire life I’ve been a huge whiny baby about losing weight. I love eating food more than anything. I care about food more than I care about the relationships in my life. I think about food 24/7. Hot dogs, ice cream, hamburgers with pickled onions, fried onions, sauteed onions, onions, ect.
This is not a blog about how I become a better person. This is a blog about my desire to lose enough weight, change my hair, change my face to become the hottest person in America. Today at my office job that looks out over a lake (right? who am i), I watched a young bird grab a fish out of the water and beat it against a tree several times until it died, and then when he went to eat the fish it fell out of his mouth back into the water. I want to be that bird.
I think all women know what it’s like to be told to be that starving bird. We’re judged on the way we look every single day. Our value is often determined by how much dudes desire us. It would be a far greater achievement to advocate for this to change. I would be a far greater person to take on that kind of challenge, but I’m a comedian. Which means I have to do everything backwards.
Please join me over the next 12 months where I post updates/pictures/screaming rants about my journey to becoming the next contestant on ABC’s The Bachelor and to finding love.